One of the most divisive things I’ve ever said online was that a woman is responsible for her own orgasm. No matter who she’s having sex with, it’s up to her to get off.
The responses I got to that comment were enlightening.
It seems that a lot of women have given the responsibility for their pleasure to the men they’re having sex with. (The responses were mostly from heterosexual women. Most of the lesbians on the board agreed with me.)
Now, it’s possible to find a partner who has studied the fine art of the female orgasm and who is willing to put in the time to learn what the smallest difference in breath means. They’re rare, however, and the most common place for them are in the pages of a romance novel.
What that means is that, if you want to have an orgasm from your partner, it’s going to require you to talk to them, to communicate about what’s working and what’s not.
Honestly, some of the best forms of this I’ve seen has been with BDSM couples who having very frank conversations about what is allowed and what works for both of them before they get naked. It’d be nice if more vanilla relationships would have that kind of discussion before they finished dinner and made their way to the bedroom for dessert.
Because, quite frankly, giving up responsibility for your own orgasm creates a very unhealthy unbalance in a relationship. You’re either giving him control over your pleasure or your using your lack of pleasure to create guilt and a hold over him. Neither dynamic leads to a happy long-term relationship or a very satisfactory short-term one.
Owning who you are, understanding how your body works, and being willing to pursue and communicate your needs is one of the most sexually powerful things a woman can do. And it all starts with being responsible for your own orgasms.
The Musings of Erotica Author C.V. Walter 